Funny story

[ellanoize]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven -- then there's you -- nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..."

[Cherry_pez]

LMAO @ Beerfuck. Don't know too many BeerFucks but I think I know a couple of Dumbfucks

[ellanoize]

How right you are Pez...I know a couple or four DumbFucks meself...LOL



A British accountant meets another accountant. "How come you have a fancy new bicycle?" Answers the other: " The most amazing thing happened to methe other day. I walked down the street when this gorgeous looking woman rides by on her bike. She looks at me, stopps, tears her clothes off and says: Take what ever you want my dreamboy! So i took the bicycle." Exclaims the other: "Excellent choice! The clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

[ellanoize]

Two guys from Fort Erie are sittin' in a boat on Lake Erie fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden the first says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

The second sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, man! Women like that are hard to find."

[cherrysis]

Awwww Thats harsh...and yet so true!!! [img]wink.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

Celebrity Obituaries
**************************


Tiger Woods at Six Under

Col. Sanders Kicks the Bucket

Mike Myers, "Wayne's World" Star, Lives -- Not!

Lee Iacocca Recalled by Maker

Paul Prudhomme: Stick a Fork in Him, He's Done

George W. Bush Deceasifies

Clinton Doesn't Inhale

Gore Gets Less Stiff

Yogi Berra Wakes Up Dead

Ed McMahon's Relatives May Have Already Inherited 10 MILLION DOLLARS!

Autopsy Confirms Death of Keith Richards

Meat Loaf Goes Cold

Roger Ebert: 10 Toes up

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ May 16, 2006 11:41 AM: Message edited by: ellanoize ]</font>

[ellanoize]

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

[ellanoize]

Diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him.

What absolute bliss!

[ellanoize]

Questions and answers

Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?
A: You marry her.

Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?
A: You marry him.

Q: How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plow?
A: Give her a shovel.

[ellanoize]

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Shopping


Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.

If it's on sale, you need it.

Never ask your mother her opinion.

You can always take it back.

You'll grow into it.

By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.

Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".

If they're working on commission, they're lying.

Know when to yell, "Charge!"

So many malls, so little time.

If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.

Always try to spend someone else's money first.

There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.

Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.

If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.

You can always get more credit.

If you want it, you deserve it.